Say Hello to Your “F,” and Also to My Leetle Friend

15 May 2010

I used to hate May.

If you’ve ever been in a faculty office suite at the end of the semester, you’ll know why. If not, just imagine half a dozen students simultaneously making a last ditch effort to pass a course they’ve ignored since February, with the men sometimes becoming aggressive, and the women occasionally bursting into tears. Or else go watch the scene in Avatar where the Na’vi react to the fall of Home Tree. In other words, it’s no place for the squeamish or the tender-hearted.

Now, however, thanks to a group of activists called Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, I can enjoy the Spring again. According to its web site, SCCC has two main functions: lobbying legislators and school administrators to allow concealed carry on college campuses, and persuading the college community that concealed carry is, in fact, a good thing.

I was a little leery at first. Actually, the image of a classroom bristling with armed freshmen was giving me nightmares. But then I found the site’s Common Arguments page, and read this:

In light of the fact that a person unconcerned with violating the rules can walk onto a college campus carrying pretty much anything he or she chooses, some professors might feel more comfortable about issuing bad grades if they knew they were allowed the means to defend themselves.

No longer afraid of issuing grades! Suddenly, this seemed like a tremendous idea. If carrying a gun could help me get over that particular teaching hump, what else might it do for me? So I made a trip to Gander Mountain, and I’m happy to report that I now use my handgun in several creative ways. For example:

  • When I’m in front of a particularly zoned-out class, and I ask a question about the meaning of “refutation,” I count to 10 and then slo-o-o-owly put my hand on my hip, letting the side of my sports coat (which I had to buy just for the occasion) slide discreetly open to reveal a perfectly accessorized little snub nose.
  • When a student comes by the adjunct office to enumerate how many of her relatives had to pass away so that she could avoid writing her Persuasive Essay, I take out the weapon and casually start polishing it with a napkin from Starbucks.
  • Plagiarism is a thing of the past, now that each offense turns into a thrilling game of cheatroulette, with the number of sentences plagiarized corresponding to the number of rounds in the clip. (“I know what you’re thinking, punk: Did I steal two paragraphs or only one?“)

But, mostly, I have reclaimed the frabjous month of May. Although I still feel many emotions when I’m forced to fail a student—irritation, regret, sadness—at least I no longer have to feel terror.

Here, by the way, is an actual video of me handing out grades to my EN101 class:

Note how I have become more safe, how the number of essays I have to read has been cut dramatically, and how I’m saving a bundle by no longer having to bring donuts.

Now, about that sloppy “Works Cited” page…



One Response to “Say Hello to Your “F,” and Also to My Leetle Friend”

  1. b Lowengard Says:

    Firing a weapon is a sure way to wake up a sleepy classroom.

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